An Emotional burst.

Bah I'm fucking miserable, and the worst thing about it is its over a chick, I dont think I've ever been this miserable for this long over a fucking woman before. So I'm gonna let it out and try and vent some of the shit thats building up, hopefully I might feel a bit better.

So the story is this, boy meets girl, after meeting girl it takes ages for said boy to work up enough courage to ask said girl out, and gets blown off, busy raincheck, ok cool, gets blown off again, not a very good start really, plausable reasons like family shit and stuff so still hopefull. After a while of this back and forth shit, a night out comes along and for once I decide to go cos I know she's gonna be there, cool no worries, that is untill she was too pissed to stand up or walk straight, put her in a taxi, she kisses me in the queue, I'm pretty happy but really shouldnt have kissed her back, almost rape, she was that drunk, but still not so bad, maybe I was wrong and she does like me... no I was right and she don't, judging by the nice guy let's be friends speech. The first bout of misery.

Ok fine deal with that no problem..... mostly, we go out as friends, and things start to get confusing, a story one night about a friend, sounds like it could be a story she's telling me as a way to let me know how she feels about certain things (like getting asked out rather doing the askin), but it might not be, I dunno, flirting that takes me by surprise, what the fuck is going on?? and the same for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Confusion follows confusion, what does she want?? I dunno

Then she invites me to her birthday, cool I go along, she ends up (while too drunk to talk or stand up straight this becomes a theme) pulling some random, now I'm sure she definately doesn't want any more from me than what she's got, cool I'mn a bit miserable for a few days. Things continue as before, and the confusion starts up again.

I get invited to her flatwarming, pretty good time, and we end up fucking, I knew she was drunk, but I find out later that she was having trouble standing up, (notice a pattern yet) the sex wasnt exactly the best, not my best performance ever thats for sure. Couldn't fucking come mt damn head got in the way and stopped me (this becomes a big problem for me and even though she never said no doubt for her too). Anyway the next day, she's a bit cold, things are alright, but she's a bit distant, I start to worry... a lot.

We go out a few times, not mush happens, I need to force a hug and a kiss out of her when we part.

Work thing, we end up in bed together, she actually seems like she wants me, I dont have to force affection out of her, amazing, she is however pretty drunk, I'm not sure how drunk, but pretty drunk.

Things continue like this, we go out a few times, nothing much happens, also not a lot of alcohol is consumed, a work thing comes along or something, a chance comes for her to get wasted, I'm a stoner not a drinker so I never get that drunk, and then she's suddenly interested in my affection, we fuck.

I'm miserable, when she's sober she doesn't really want anything to do with me, I gotta force everything out of her, I realise she's never once said anything nice to me, well ok thats not true, a couple of times she said I made her laugh, thats it. Generally I got complaints about my beard, even though I made sure I shaved and trimmed so it was more stubble than beard, jokes that weren't really jokes about the shit I wore, and a jibe or too about my sexual prowess, I've always felt I was better with my mouth than with my dick.

The start of the end.
I'm seriously depressed now, I decide to clean shave, mostly for her and a wee bit for me cos I havent seen my face naked for a long time, I hated it. Now I must stress that she was ill, fair enough, it still hurt, but fair enough. Saw her at work, every single other person at work commented about how different I looked, some said good things some didn't, she didn't say a word, it pissed me off I admit it, I sent her a text on my way home about something else and she replied about being addicted to tv, so I figured she was up and asked her about what she thought and got no reply (she does this all the time, it's very annoying) figured she was lost in tv land and would reply before she went to bed, I'd get it in the morning, nope, I was angry and snide and sent her a pretty nasty text. We had a pretty big fight. The next time I saw her, she left without even giving me a chance to giver her a hug, and the next time, and the next time after that.

Thats it we're done.

I've never been made so unhappy before, we had the break up talk and shit, cleared a lot of things, she said she was never sure. Fucking great, so I was right the whole time, she never actually wanted me, she fucked me about and made me miserable, and I'm still fucking miserable. It's been like two months since we broke up, I really wanted to try and stay friends, we both did really, I just can't fuckin handle it, every time I see her I get really tense, I can't think of anything to say, I don't know how to fix it, I just wanna run away and hide, and then I get depressed again, I can't get her out of my head and I can't stop thinkin about all the shit that happened that made me so unhappy and how the fact that I was miserable contributed to bringing about the end so much faster than it should have happened.

Some days I hate her and the way she fucked me around, some days I feel guilty for letting it get to me so much, maybe if I hadn't we'd still be together and she may have realised she did really want me. Most days I remember the very start, and how she blew me off so many times before she got pissed, kissed me, gave me the nice guy speech, and I hate myself for it, I should have known this would happen, it was always doomed, I allowed myself to let someone hurt me to the point where I reverted and started cutting myself again, to ease the pain and let me sleep. FUCK!! I thought I was over that, now I have new scars to remind me I am an idiot.

I hate myself a bit more today than I did.

(A small note, I'm sure I've missed out a lot of details, I was miserable and helped end whatever it was that was going on, I freely admit that and take responsibility for my part, it's all the other shit that still makes me miserable that I'm finding hard to get over, all the shit that made me so unhappy in the first place FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, soon this will get out me and I'll be a happier person..... I hope)